In The Flesh

So, I have been to the other side and back. This weekend, PENO and I stood face to face and I have returned from the experience more confident than ever that Operation: DOUBLE BROTHERS will succeed and that ultimately, PENO is an unworthy adversary for my brother.

A short list of Jon's weaknesses*:

- not over 6' tall
- not my brother
- hairline does not appear to be receding
- no discernible bow staff skills
- does not know how to spell "John"
- was willing to DD

Possible causes for concern:

- was able to identify 2 out of 3 relatively obscure artists that were playing in my car
- extremely helpful in getting ready for the Grad Party (this is not just a threat to Operation: Double Brothers but also a potential threat to the status quo that I've established over the last six years of being as little help as possible - could result in image downgrade for me)
- has college degree/is gainfully employed in the city where Chris' wants to live
- was willing to DD

In addition to my meeting PENO, Daniel was also present at the Grad Party and was introduced to PENO. Unfortunately, my dad and Daniel got a flat tire on the way down to the party (which I'm sure was a joy to take care of on a 90 degree day in the early afternoon) and they were only there for literally ten minutes. As a result, the amount of interaction between PENO and Dan was severely limited. What's worse is that, despite talking a big game, (he texted me prior to his arrival that "PENO better watch his ass when I get there") their interaction was almost completely civil. Dan did at least act like he was disgusted when he found out that the hamburger he was eating had been prepared by PENO.

My dad, brother and I all had to leave shortly after their arrival to go to a wedding in Dayton (to which we were fifteen minutes late). During the reception, Dan texted Chris the following: "I'm at a wedding and just wanted you to know that I was thinking of you." This was very amusing to me at the time. I spent the rest of the time at the wedding trying to think of inappropriate pieces of marital advice for the newlyweds, then preparing myself to deliver that advice but then ultimately chickening out. After the wedding, I went home to my parents house, watched The Jerk and wrestled with dogs. Great night.



*This list is far from complete and is intended merely to serve as a sampling of the many things wrong with Jon.

Yeah, well, this is not related to Operation: Double Brothers but whatever.

It's funny how much the little stuff counts. I don't like to think of myself as an emotional person but I want acknowledgement of the ridiculsous things that I care about. I don't have people with whom to discuss the ridiculous things that matter to me (read: weird music) at this point and it's kind of depressing. I don't think that it's anything to be really upset about but it becomes more upsetting when I don't have an outlet for this part of me. I have no one with whom I can discuss the latelst dredg release in a serious fashion and have it not be the result of my whining (or a blog post).

Ultimately, I'm very happy with the state of my life right now. I just got married. I love my wife. We have a lot of fun together but I don't have any friends that are just my friends...I don't have that outlet that I once had. I miss having friends that are just my friends....to an extent. We had people over tonight for our friend's birthday and it was lovely. We made burgers and people claimed to have liked them........that's what I enjoy most about having people over - the ego stroke of having people compliment your cooking. I don't want this to sound like bitching because ultimately, things are going great. Things are just different - things are never going to be like the first summer after college when I had no responsibilities and all of my friends were within a 15 mile radius.

This is not funny. That's lame. I apologize. This is far too close to a typical blog post.

Listening to: dredg: The Canyon Behind Her - best song ever.

A Weekend in Makeout City

Lots of new developments on the Operation: Double Brothers front. This weekend, I had the opportunity to witness Chris and Daniel interact with one another for an extended period of time and they could not be any cuter together but more on that later. First, I feel that it's only fair to Daniel that I come clean on a few things. This is really hard for me to admit because of all that Operation: Double Brothers means to me but it needs to be said. I have aided and abetted PENO and have had e-mail communication with him. I have essentially organized and funded a romantic rendez-vous between Chris and PENO in D. C. in July. What makes it even worse is that Daniel's 21st birthday is during the trip. Before you lose all faith in my committment to Operation: Double Brothers, please allow me to explain. I, by not sucking at my job last year, have been invited to a conference in Washington, D.C. and am allowed to bring an "authorized guest." The wife, claiming that she has to study for the bar, will not be attending. So, not wanting to go by myself, I thought about who might want to accompany me to Washington and decided that taking Chris would be a good way for me to cement my position as favorite brother-in-law as well as do some spying on PENO. The e-mail communication I have had with PENO has been limited has been strictly limited to details about our visit (our schedule, etc.). I know that this could look like I am helping PENO and hurting Operation: Double Brothers but nothing could be further from the truth. My commitment remains unwavering. I will use this opportunity to study my opponent and learn his weaknesses. If I find the time to do enough prep work, I may make arrangements to have incriminating evidence planted in his apartment (I know you are reading this, PENO, but I assure you that my methods will be far too clever and too well disguised for you to defend against them so you may as well not even try). Daniel, for obvious reasons, is none too pleased. He instructed me to "cockblock as hard as I possibly can" and I gave him my word that I will do just that. If I weren't going to D.C. I would have definitely come down to Columbus to help get Daniel black out drunk. But, alas, the reservations have been made.

Anyway, back to this weekend. I had the pleasure of spending this weekend in Columbus with Daniel and Chris. Chris graduated from The Ohio State University on Sunday and we are all very proud of her. I arrived Friday night wife-less and watched Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals at Dan's enginerd frat house. Chris arrived as the Penguins were hoisting the Cup and taking their victory laps. Having had three martinis, Chris was wasted and elated to see her future husband. She cheered us on as we played (and were narrowly defeated) Cornhole.

Aside:
At one point, Chris and I decided that we needed Trailer Parks and ran across the street to Ruby Tuesday's (not part of the restaurant chain) which has now become the best campus bar since Larry's is no more. A Trailer Park, for those of you poor, unfortunate souls who are unaware, is a shot of Beam Eight Star bourbon ($9/bottle) chased with RC Cola and is completely delicious. In addition to being nectar of the gods, the shot is super cheap. I order 4 Trailer Parks (we wanted to get our money's worth after paying a $5 cover to get in) and the bar tender asks for $6.50 (no, that's not evenly divisible by 4.....trailer parks get cheaper the more you buy until they just give them away). After I picked my jaw off the floor, I commented on what a bargain the shots were to the bartender and he told me that he could charge me more if I wanted. I passed on his offer.

We continued having a good time throughout the night. Played a little beer pong. Danced like idiots. The usual. However, when I got up in the morning, I went up to Daniel's room (I slept on the couch) to get up and get the day going and found him in bed with Chris!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!!!!! They were just spooning when I found them so I can't speculate as to what might have happened but I did see two cigarettes in an ashtray next to the bed.

Tidbits:
- A few times, Daniel got down on one knee in front of Chris, looked lovingly into her eyes and would ask something like, "Would you like another beer?" He's just working up his courage...
- Chris' mom was informed about Operation: Double Brothers and declared her opposition but also said that she thinks Daniel is cute. She just thinks he is too young for Chris. As a result, she has made the Operation: Double Brothers enemy watchlist along with PENO, clowns and Erik Estrada.
- After we did the Trailer Parks at Ruby Tuesday, Chris was talking trash all night about how she wanted to party Saturday night and drink Trailer Parks because it would be her last opportunity to do so as an Undergrad. So, being really nice guys, Daniel and I went out to the liquor store and bought a bottle of Eight Star only to have Chris ditch us and spend the night at the Ramada with her mom and step dad.
- Chris' graduation party is next week and I believe both PENO and Daniel will be in attendance. Should make for a good blog post.

I'm an idiot.....

So, all day today I felt kind of weird. I had a strange sort of headache. I had know idea why but it felt like someone had punched me in the nose yesterday. What could have caused this? Oh, yeah! Maybe it was when I was voraciously attacking the bottom of my ramen bowl trying to get every last bit of MSG laced beef powder out of the bowl and into my body. As the rim of the bowl was pressing up against the bridge of my nose, the pain registered with me for a moment but I was too busy licking to take any real notice. I powered through that shit. So, yeah, I'm an idiot.


It was totally worth it, though.

A Walk to Remember....

So, Chris and Daniel spent a lovely day together at the Memorial yesterday. I'm still awaiting details of how romantic it was. If any of you were watching, you probably noticed that at least one part of my prophecy did not come true: That rascal Tiger Woods squeaked out a victory against the indomitable (well, maybe not...) Ted Purdy. Before you go questioning my psychic abilities, I'd like to share a piece of information that might shed some light on what went wrong. Sunday afternoon, Daniel texted me the following message:

"Dude, I forgot the egg roll sandwich. What do I do?"*

I texted back that his only hope was to find a BLT with extra mayo.

Could I have done anything more in this situation? I keep setting Daniel up for success and he keeps managing to find a way to fuck it up. Again, I can only open the door for him. I can't make him walk through.

The news from Operation: DOUBLE BROTHERS hasn't been all bad, though. On Saturday, I noticed that I had missed a call from Daniel and, being the responsible brother that I am, returned the call only to find out that he and Chris are at Skyline.......together. He had called to get directions but now couldn't talk because he was too immersed in flirting. So, this is great news, right? Well, it gets better. Daniel paid for Chris' meal. TOTAL DATE!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG!!!!!!!! As far as I can tell, they are days away from officially announcing their engagement and setting a date for their wedding. Couldn't be more excited.

*This text has been edited to translate it from txt to the english language.

Engagement Announcement

GREAT NEWS!!!!!! Chris wants to marry Daniel!!!!! All of our hardwork is paying off. The best part is that Chris seems to be the instigator in this new development.

The story:
So, I was talking to Chris on Gchat about the Memorial Golf Tournament this weekend in Dublin, OH. Chris and Kate's Dad previously worked for the PGA Tour so when we lived in Columbus he was able to get us free passes. He is still apparently able to do that because Chris mentioned to me that she had four passes and no one to go with. Obviously, I saw this as my opportunity and suggested that she invite Dan. She got super excited when I mentioned the idea and it was a done deal in her mind within two seconds.

Now, Chris is a little shy and played this off as an excuse to collect money that Daniel owes her for our wedding present (thanks again, guys!). However, I know her true motives. I may have jumped the gun a bit on the post title but it's really just an inevitability at this point. The way I see it playing out is the two of them will have a lovely Sunday watching some of the best players in the world play on a gorgeous golf course. They will have a charming picnic on a blanket set up under the shade of a giant oak tree. Chris will have an egg roll sanwich (she loves egg rolls) and Daniel will have a giant kielbasa (he loves sausages). They will laugh and tell stories (mostly about how awesome their older siblings are) under that old oak tree. At some point, an egg roll will fall out of Chris' sandwich and they will both reach to retrieve it and bump heads. Then, they will look into each others eyes, recognize their desire for one another and share their first magical kiss. They will quickly come back down to earth and not speak of the kiss for the rest of the day. Things will be a bit awkward but they will still have a good time. As the final pairing and tournament leaders, Ted Purdy and Tiger Woods, are making their way up to the 18th Green in a tie, Daniel won't be able to take it any longer.

"We have to talk about what's going on between us. You love me; I know you do!"

"Nothing is going on, Daniel. I'm in LIKE LIKE with Jon. I'm planning to move to D.C. It would never work."

"So, you admit that you do have feelings for me. I knew you couldn't deny the electricity of our kiss under that Old Oak Tree."

"Sure, maybe I do have feelings for you but this is too crazy. I can't give up my future in D.C. for this blossoming relationship. Granted this is the most romantic thing that has ever happened to me but it's just too soon. It's too new."

Then, Daniel, channelling Rhett Butler and our father when he proposed to our mother, will say the most romantic and eloquent thing that Chris' ears have ever or will ever hear: "Then, marry me, damn it!"

As Ted Purdy sinks an eagle putt to win the tournament, Chris will finally be honest with herself and admit her true feelings. "I will marry you, Daniel. Operation: Double Brothers is too important to fail. Plus, I totally love you." Applause will erupt from the gallery and Daniel and Chris will share their second magical kiss.

It's totally going to happen.

Confession

I just spent the last hour of my life switching channels between I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here and Survival of the Half Ton Teen.