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So, it's been awhile since I updated on the actual mission of this blog. There have been some exciting new developments on the Operation: Double Brothers front over the past few months. There is good and bad news. First, the good: PENO is no more. Chris and PENO have broken up. Chris finally came to her senses and realized that Jon was NOT a Nye let alone my brother. This, obviously, is a great coup for Double Brothers (not that we had anything to do with engineering the breakup...). Now that Jon is no longer PENO, ODB would like to take this opportunity to wish him all the best. A new PENO has yet to be identified but I plan on doing some reconnaissance work over the holidays to identify targets that may need to be eliminated in order for Operation: Double Brothers to be successful.

Now, on to the bad: Daniel had a chance to marry Chris and did not prove himself up to the task. Last week, the family was gathered in Louisville, KY to mourn the passing of Roy E. (Kate and Chris' grandfather). In preparation for the funeral and visitation, family members were gathering pictures to display. The pictures that were selected were mostly of Roy at different phases of his life. However, one side was reserved for family. There quickly appeared to be a trend of including wedding pictures. Chris quickly realized that she, being a spinster and therefore of no worth to society, could not be included. Wanting more than anything to make it onto this portion of the board, Chris texted Dan and offered to marry him the following morning if he came down to Louisville so that she would not be excluded from this prestigious honor. Dan, citing some bullshit about not having a car, claimed he could not make it. Chris vowed that this was the last chance that she would give him but given Daniel's babyface and Chris' horseface, I think she'll soon realize that she's not going to do any better.

That John Denver was full of shit

After our delightful stay in the Mormon City, we began our drive to Denver which took us back through Wyoming. As is often the case on long days of driving, we were forced to stop for gas. About 80 miles after we filled up, the engine malfunction light comes on. Yippee! Kate looks in the owner's manual and learns that this usually indicates a problem with the emissions system.........or that we didn't put the gas cap back on properly. Like I said, it was 80 miles since we had filled up so it seemed unlikely that was the problem. Using our trusty GPS, we found a few Honda dealerships to call to see if our automobile was about to explode. At least two of them turned out to be motorcycle/lawnmower dealers and were no help. Finally we talked to someone who told us that we probably weren't in any immediate danger. Fortunately, we arrived in Denver (Aurora, CO, actually) safe and sound. We had a tame night in the hotel room and went to sleep.

Feeling a bit tired from our adventures in Vegas, Zion and SLC, we essentially decided to waste our time in Denver. We did have a nice picnic lunch in City Park and then took a short drive through downtown but after that we just ran some errands and watched football which we hadn't had an opportunity to do in awhile. So, sorry, Denver.

I bought new running shoes to replace the ones that I decided to leave on the curb in Minneapolis. Equipped with new kicks, I went for my first run in about...........5 months. The combination of being out of shape and running a mile high in elevation kicked my ass. I did two miles and thought I was going to die. Happily, I did not.

In order to cancel out the progress that I had made by running, Kate and I decided to go to Outback Steakhouse (which shared a parking lot with our cheap hotel) for a Blooming Onion (accept no substitutes). We made friends with the bartender, had a couple beers and went home.

We spent Monday morning sitting in a Honda dealership while they fixed our problem. It had something to do with an oxygen sensor and the catalytic converter. I stopped pretending to care about what the actual problem was once I understood the fact that the service would be free because of our warranty. Otherwise, it would have cost over $400. So, it looks like that extra $6 per month was not such a bad choice.

Nugswang!

Our final morning at Zion, we got up and drove east out of the park and saw some really great landscapes. We decided to make an impromptu side trip to Bryce Canyon National Park before heading to Salt Lake City to stay with my cousin, Matthew. This was time well spent. Bryce was incredible and the weather was perfect. We took a short hike on the Navajo Loop Trail which was not very long but was quite steep as we descended among the hoodoos. The trail took us right down into the canyon and gave us perspective as to how large the hoodoos are. They're big. I tried to take a few mental photos as we came out of the canyon because the view was really incredible and the pictures just don't do it justice.

So, following our hike, we headed out of the wilderness towards the booming metropolis of Salt Lake City. This drive featured an experimental stretch of highway where the Utah state government, in its infinite wisdom, is testing an 80 mph speed limit. That was cool.

When we arrived, Matthew had beers waiting for us (which we expected) and also had tickets to an NBA preseason game between the Utah Jazz and the Portland Trailblazers (we didn't expect this). So, after a bit of pregaming, we walked over to the arena to drink in a basketball arena. None of us had been to an NBA game before - preseason or otherwise and it turns out that even in a live setting we're not big fans. The biggest thrills were watching the Nu Skin dancers, the wheelchair basketball game in which the mascot participated and cheated, seeing Greg Oden, getting kicked out of seats that we hadn't paid for and were only marginally better than the ones that we had purchased and fighting for t-shirts that had been shot out of an air cannon.

The next day, our only full day in SLC, we had a full agenda. We saw the library. We walked around the Mormon temple/tabernacle/world domination headquarters and narrowly escaped recruitment. We took a drive into the mountains. We walked up Ensign Peak where the Mormons planned the city (this was billed as a "cakewalk" by Matthew which would have been an accurate description if it didn't gain almost 400 feet of elevation in 1/4 mile) and enjoyed a picnic lunch and a view of the Great Salt Lake in the distance. We watched You Got Served (road trip highlight). We went to a great mexican place for dinner called Red Iguana. We drank beer with a picture of a bear with crazy antlers on the label. We played balderdash. I don't know what more you could ask for.

Matthew's apartment was awesome. It was maybe 300 square feet. Even though there were only three of us, it felt like a huge party. Matthew was a great host and made us delicious english muffin breakfast sandwich and gave us his bed to sleep in. So, I've got no complaints.

We went to Zion National Park

It was really cool. At this point, I really don't know what to say. It was gorgeous. We went on a hike. I stalked a Quebecois family briefly (obvious highlight). We camped and cooked spaghetti. I didn't think that I had made a reservation but it turned out I had...I felt stupid. I want to go back. Here are some pictures.

We went to Hoover Dam on the way.

I suck at blogging.

I knew this would happen. Many times over the past couple weeks I said to myself, "I should update my blog before I forget everything." Did I do that? NO. Ultimately, I guess very few people really care about my lack of blogging or lack of documentation of the road trip. The road trip blog was essentially completely self serving so that I made sure I didn't forget everything. I suppose I've accomplished that given that I did a pretty good job of documenting the first half of the trip (whether it was on time or not). There is still a ton more to tell. I'm going to attempt some diarrhea of the keyboard here and see how far I get.

So, when last I left you, dear readers, the wife and I were leaving Palm Springs to head to Vegas. This was my first time in Las Vegas (or the state of Nevada for that matter [NEW STATE!!!!]) and for many years I had mixed feelings about making the trip. These feelings ranged from being convinced that I could never stand Vegas because of all the fake shit (doesn't the fact that they have all this fake stuff from other places say something about the quality of the actual place?) and all the people who must hate their jobs and all the people selling their souls to casinos for a chance at becoming a millionaire. And then another part of me gets excited about all that stuff.

So, it was with these feelings brewing inside me that we arrived at the Econolodge in Vegas (on Las Vegas Blvd but not technically the strip). There was a pool out front and there was not a body floating in it so things were looking up. Needless to say, this place was quite the contrast from the place we stayed at in Palm Desert. But, it had four walls and a roof and beds so we were not in a position to complain.

Our first night, we headed out to explore the strip a little bit. We parked at the Bellagio where we endured a thorough security check point ("How you folks doing tonight?" "Fine." "Have a good time.") We hit a lot of the highlights: Bellagio, Venetian (fake canal - yay!), Mirage (yay volcano show!) and our personal favorite - TI (formerly known as Treasure Island). TI has apparently shed its once family friendly image in favor of a more risque, sexy and sultry vibe complete with sexy pirate show in the man made lagoon (Sirens' Cove) out front. Kate and I had read in our dorky guide book that the Sirens of TI was laughably bad and not to be missed. So, we waited around playing penny slots for the slated start time. When we walked out to the cove, we were disappointed to learn that the evening's show had been canceled due to weather and some bullshit about not wanting to burn the casino down. So, we went home slightly disappointed and went to bed.

The next morning, we got up and went to get Kate a tattoo in celebration of passing the bar (many things have been done/purchased in celebration of this feat over the last six weeks). While waiting for Kate's tattoo artist (with whom Kate heavily flirted to show that she was a cool tattoo chick), we were lucky enough to witness a fantastic specimen of humanity in the lobby. There was a guy wearing sandals, jeans shorts and a Papa Roach concert t-shirt tucked into the aforementioned jean shorts. Within thirty seconds of arriving and while talking to the receptionist, he pulls a comb out of his back pocket and proceeds to groom himself; slicking his hair back to eliminate any remaining doubt that he is indeed a bad mother fucker. He then proceeds to have a few loud cell phone conversations in the lobby and drops a racial slur in one of them. He was a cool guy, though.

After the tattoo, we were in a Walgreens to buy Kate some unscented soap and lotion with which to clean her wound (the perfumes in scented soaps/lotions can cause irritation) when Kate was approached by a woman. The following conversation took place:

Random Lady: "Oh, wow. Are you just getting that removed or is it new?"

Kate: "I just got it." (Thinking: Well, you can still see it so it's certainly not removed but thanks for making me think that your first reaction was that it looks like something no one would want on their body.)

RL: "Are those scales?"

K: "Yeah, like the scales of justice."

RL: "Oh, do you work in a doctor's office?"

After that golden interaction, we regrouped in the hotel room for a picnic dinner and gathered our strength for the night ahead. We enjoyed a couple cocktails in the hotel room and then hopped on the "Deuce" (that's the unfortunate name they chose for their double decker public buses). Our plan was to try to hit all the ridiculous casinos/attractions. Our first stop: the roller coaster at Sahara. At $10/person, the price tag was a little steep but the fun we had combined with the savings we made on the $1 Miller High Lifes and $1 Kamikaze shots, we got our money's worth. Kate, making it her mission to stomp on all my dreams and rain on all my parades, refused to let me attempt the 6 lb burrito challenge (it's free if you finish it!) but I guess that just gives us a reason to come back...

We then headed over to Circus Circus/Slots-a-fun which was kind of a disappointment aside from the African Acrobats show - that shit is crazy after a few drinks.

Our next stop was another visit to TI in hopes of actually seeing the Sirens. We played penny slots and I drank a margarita out of a giant golden mug shaped like a skull while we waited. Tonight, the show did go on. And what a show it was. The show featured an epic battle between the Sirens and the crew of a pirate ship who had lost a shipmate to the sirens (much to his feigned chagrin). In order to rescue their comrade, the pirates fired their canons while the Sirens defended themselves with......song (guess who wins). This special effects extravaganza was packed with songs, shitty, half assed dancing and enough sexual innuendos to sink a pirate ship. In short, it was FANTASTIC.

We spent the rest of the night bouncing from casino to casino in search of cheap drinks. A little after midnight, we headed downtown to the really old casinos on Fremont St. in search of drunk food which was harder than anticipated to locate. Eventually, we got cheesesteaks in a shady looking restaurant in a past-its-prime casino and headed home.

All in all, I had a great time in Vegas and I think it was largely due to the limited amount of time we spent there. After a bit, I'm sure that all the stuff that I mentioned would start to wear on me but given a short window of time and the right attitude, you can have a great time.