Ahem.

Massacre

So, last weekend was the Massacre (my family's ridiculous annual memorial day camping trip that consists of binge drinking, binge eating and pit toilet purging). This year's edition featured a couple of major developments. Most important to my readers, of course, is the fact that Chris attended. This created many opportunities for O:DB to complete its mission. Chris and Daniel had the 3 hour car ride for QT. Daniel was able to show Chris how manly he is in the woods and how he can protect her from woodland predators (of which there are many in the Hoosier National Forest). This was also an opportunity for the entire extended family to audition for the role of in-laws. They did not disappoint. I'm sure my Aunt Nancy digging a vomit trench (of which Chris had to avail herself) and seeing the majority of my male cousins wearing nothing but business ties on the upper half of their bodies made her feel right at home. Again, the stage was set for ODB success and once again, Daniel squandered another golden opportunity. There was a lot of talk about how Chris would leave the woods with a ring but I don't think Daniel even considered going to Jared.

Another major development of this year's edition of the Memorial Day Massacre was the inaugural Daniel Booneyhands tournament. For those of you who are familiar with the game Edward Fortyhands, this is the same concept but played with the sweet, sweet nectar known as Boone's Farm. I got the idea (the best idea of my life) to do this a couple months ago and had been using any means necessary (coercion, blackmail, physical threats) to get people to agree to participate. The numbers were sketchy heading into the woods despite my making a facebook event. When the time came to buy provisions, I got a bit of stage fright when I saw all those bottles of neon colored goodness staring back at me. The thought of walking up to the cash register with 24 bottles of liquid diabetes was almost too much. But, after the amount of trash I had been talking over the last couple months, I decided I could not let good sense take control of me now.

Man, was that cashier impressed with us! The looks we got when placing 2 dozen bottles of the finest apple wine product on the conveyor belt were priceless. We were also quickly informed that in the State of Indiana, one is limited to only 15 bottles of alcohol per transaction. I guess that's what happens when we let a foreign born socialist into the White House...they start taking away our freedoms little by little. Fortunately, I was not alone so we were able to split the purchase into two transactions and get the provisions necessary for our event. While we were bagging everything up, a helpful employee came up and offered us special cloth wine caring bags to aid us in carrying the bottles free of charge. Apparently, it's not every day that someone comes in and drops $80 on Boone's Farm and this is something that they want to encourage at Marsh Supermarket in Bloomington, IN. Despite this friendly gesture, there were indications that our purchase was out of the ordinary. The guy that gave us the bags said, "Yeah, they should help you carry these....wherever it is that you're going" in such a way to suggest that my two males companions and I (two of us were wearing neckties over t-shirts) were going to go off and do something strange after consuming an excessive amount of wine product. He was way off.

The event itself was a smashing success. We had twelve participants with their hands taped to the bottles with pink duct tape (for Breast Cancer awareness - I wouldn't worry about that as a threat any more). My Aunt Nancy had the foresight to dig a small trench for competitors to "disqualify" themselves in. Her actions proved prophetic within about 15 seconds of the start of the event. Our winner finished in about 6 minutes. I got it all down in about 13 minutes - good for 4th place. The real intense battle was between Kate and Chris for the ladies' crown. Around the one hour mark, they each had about a quarter of a bottle left. Chris made her move. By the time Kate realized what was happening, it was too late. Despite heroic chugging efforts, she was just a second too late. Kate was clearly miffed at losing to her little sister but did not hold a grudge for long as the two of them immediately shared a touching moment at the trench.

All in all a great weekend even if ODB missed another opportunity to succeed.

Been awhile...

So, clearly, I'm not that great at blogging whether the rating be based on frequency or actual content.

I got a job. I'm psyched about that. It doesn't start until April 5th so I have another two weeks to be irresponsible and not feel guilty. Unfortunately, I'm wasting some of that time feeling nervous about whether or not I will be successful in this job. It's a sales job which I'm not completely ecstatic about and it's going to require a consistent amount of effort on my part. The good news is that if I put in a lot of effort, I should be rewarded with more money (this is how sales jobs work). The benefits appear to be great and there is an incentive trip I can go on if I do really well... The job is pretty much exactly where I want to be geographically. It's right off our "L" line and two blocks from Kate's office so I can keep tabs on her.

I just got home yesterday from visiting my parents. I went to Middletown in order to see my grandfather who had been staying with my parents for the last three weeks. That was tough. He has pretty advanced Alzheimers. He's basically not a person anymore. At least, he's not the person he was. The only remnant of who he was is his laugh which he still offers quite liberally. It's a little haunting actually. It's almost impossible to interact with him. He can handle yes/no questions (or at least give a yes/no response) but anything more than that is not really happening. Part of what makes it so awful is that he is very healthy physically. His arms and legs are still relatively strong and he had a pacemaker put in about ten years ago (whether or not that choice was a good one has been the source of some debate) so his heart isn't going to give out on him any time soon. So, it appears that he is doomed to have his mental faculties degrade further and further until the universe has pity on him. I saw him at Christmas and he seemed worse than when I saw him in May for my wedding. This week, he seemed worse than when I saw him at Christmas. My mom claimed that she had noticed a decline in the three weeks that he had been there.

It's difficult to organize my thoughts about this because it's such an emotional thing. Not everything makes sense. So many thoughts and emotions about this issue swirl around inside my head. His quality of life has declined so dramatically but he seems relatively content. Every once in awhile he gets a little agitated but mostly he's just happy to sit and "watch" TV. It seems like a miserable existence to me but I'm able to compare his current state to what he used to be like. I'm not sure that he can do that. These days, his life consists of watching TV, eating lots of ice cream, looking at old photo albums with his kids (not that he knows who they are) and sleeping wherever and whenever he pleases. Maybe he's just happy being in the present and doesn't think about the fact that up until he was 75 years old (and I think even older than that), he played tennis every day of his life and he can't do that anymore. I don't know....maybe it's not awful for him to live through, but it's certainly awful for me to watch.

I'm starting to feel like my brain is just a big pile of mush. It feels like it's been so long since I've had an organized and coherent thought. I think one reason for that is that I haven't written any type of academic essay in years. I haven't been forced to be have cogent arguments or write anything with an end goal in mind. I just kind of ramble on (like I am now) and completely lose sight of the original thought that I had that inspired me to start writing in the first place. I think it's especially true of blogging but it seems strange to me to start a blog entry with some kind of outline that I've prepared prior to logging in. It seems as though blogging (at least personal blogs) should be kind of a flow of consciousness and off the cuff because to me, it's supposed to be a documentation of your life, sort of like a time capsule. I guess you can still document your life even with a prepared outline. The problem is probably just that I'm too lazy and I rarely know exactly what I want to say before I start putting fingers to keys. But it seems like some people (repeat offenders) are able to effortlessly write beautiful entries with overarching themes and elements from the beginning of the entry that are referred to at the end. And maybe people are really thinking about their blog posts all day and how to make them flow properly and how to most effectively really the emotion that they're feeling to their audience but I don't see all that preparation and it makes me feel like a bad writer with a brain full of mush that can't relay a coherent sentiment (not that Operation: Double Brothers is really emotion laden) to his readers (few though they may be). This is certainly not a reproach of others; it's really flattery and jealousy.

I really need the mental stimulation of a job.

PENO

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I didn't anticipate this. With Jon out of the way (good job ODB Army), I figured it would be smooth sailing and clear skies from here on out. I was so confident that Operation: Double Brothers would be a success that I started designing all the memorabilia that we are going to sell (t-shirt, lunchboxes, condoms) with the ODB logo on it. Unfortunately, I didn't anticipate a new PENO would present himself so soon. I assumed it would take Chris a little while to get over Jon and that we wouldn't have major competition for awhile. I was deadly wrong. A new PENO has reared its ugly head and this one is even more intimidating than I could have ever imagined. This PENO is so terrifying because he is so powerful. He has already thwarted several attempts at securing this union between Daniel and Chris. First, he ruined our best and most clear cut shot at success when Chris gave Daniel a window of time to come down to Kentucky and marry her. Now, PENO is threatening to ruin the romantic weekend getaway to Chicago that I talked about in my last post. How is the new PENO so powerful you ask? He is so powerful because he knows all of our plans. He knows what we are going to do and when. He can anticipate everything and I fear he can not be stopped. He is two faced and he plays by his own set of rules. He is on the inside. He is the worst kind of vermin. He is a mole.

I present to you, PENO:

Ring Shopping

Interesting new developments on the ODB front. Chris is coming to visit Kate and I in Chicago for her birthday on January 28 (she'll be 47) and is desperately trying to convince Daniel to accompany her. (Why? Because she wants to marry him). If this were to happen, it would obviously create all sorts of great set up opportunities for the two of them to get romantical. For example, we've discussed creating some ridiculous situation where the only possible solution is to have Daniel and Chris sleep in Liz's bed. ("Oh, why don't you two take Liz's bed? Liz usually falls asleep on the couch with her bag of Cheetos anyway and she has to stay up late to catch Last Call with Carson Daly") Although posting this may significantly reduce the chance of them falling for this scheme considering they make up 50% of my readers...

So, in an effort to convince Daniel to come (who is babbling some nonsense about not wanting to skip his Friday classes), Chris placed a drunk dial to Daniel last night. Reportedly, they talked for over an hour and topics discussed include what type of engagement ring Chris wants (for realz) and an invitation to Daniel to go to Bourbon House in Burlington, KY and then stay with Chris at her mother's house (I can only assume this was an invitation to also share her bed).

Things are coming along very nicely and there seem to be no obstacles in the way. ODB WILL be a succcess.

Good riddance 2009

Well, 2009 is over. At this time last year, I was pretending to work at a job I wasn't very enthusiastic about and now I'm pretending to look for jobs that I'm not very enthusiastic about. In between, I got married and traveled a lot. It was a pretty awesome year.

Blogging > applying for jobs

So, it's been awhile since I updated on the actual mission of this blog. There have been some exciting new developments on the Operation: Double Brothers front over the past few months. There is good and bad news. First, the good: PENO is no more. Chris and PENO have broken up. Chris finally came to her senses and realized that Jon was NOT a Nye let alone my brother. This, obviously, is a great coup for Double Brothers (not that we had anything to do with engineering the breakup...). Now that Jon is no longer PENO, ODB would like to take this opportunity to wish him all the best. A new PENO has yet to be identified but I plan on doing some reconnaissance work over the holidays to identify targets that may need to be eliminated in order for Operation: Double Brothers to be successful.

Now, on to the bad: Daniel had a chance to marry Chris and did not prove himself up to the task. Last week, the family was gathered in Louisville, KY to mourn the passing of Roy E. (Kate and Chris' grandfather). In preparation for the funeral and visitation, family members were gathering pictures to display. The pictures that were selected were mostly of Roy at different phases of his life. However, one side was reserved for family. There quickly appeared to be a trend of including wedding pictures. Chris quickly realized that she, being a spinster and therefore of no worth to society, could not be included. Wanting more than anything to make it onto this portion of the board, Chris texted Dan and offered to marry him the following morning if he came down to Louisville so that she would not be excluded from this prestigious honor. Dan, citing some bullshit about not having a car, claimed he could not make it. Chris vowed that this was the last chance that she would give him but given Daniel's babyface and Chris' horseface, I think she'll soon realize that she's not going to do any better.

That John Denver was full of shit

After our delightful stay in the Mormon City, we began our drive to Denver which took us back through Wyoming. As is often the case on long days of driving, we were forced to stop for gas. About 80 miles after we filled up, the engine malfunction light comes on. Yippee! Kate looks in the owner's manual and learns that this usually indicates a problem with the emissions system.........or that we didn't put the gas cap back on properly. Like I said, it was 80 miles since we had filled up so it seemed unlikely that was the problem. Using our trusty GPS, we found a few Honda dealerships to call to see if our automobile was about to explode. At least two of them turned out to be motorcycle/lawnmower dealers and were no help. Finally we talked to someone who told us that we probably weren't in any immediate danger. Fortunately, we arrived in Denver (Aurora, CO, actually) safe and sound. We had a tame night in the hotel room and went to sleep.

Feeling a bit tired from our adventures in Vegas, Zion and SLC, we essentially decided to waste our time in Denver. We did have a nice picnic lunch in City Park and then took a short drive through downtown but after that we just ran some errands and watched football which we hadn't had an opportunity to do in awhile. So, sorry, Denver.

I bought new running shoes to replace the ones that I decided to leave on the curb in Minneapolis. Equipped with new kicks, I went for my first run in about...........5 months. The combination of being out of shape and running a mile high in elevation kicked my ass. I did two miles and thought I was going to die. Happily, I did not.

In order to cancel out the progress that I had made by running, Kate and I decided to go to Outback Steakhouse (which shared a parking lot with our cheap hotel) for a Blooming Onion (accept no substitutes). We made friends with the bartender, had a couple beers and went home.

We spent Monday morning sitting in a Honda dealership while they fixed our problem. It had something to do with an oxygen sensor and the catalytic converter. I stopped pretending to care about what the actual problem was once I understood the fact that the service would be free because of our warranty. Otherwise, it would have cost over $400. So, it looks like that extra $6 per month was not such a bad choice.

Nugswang!

Our final morning at Zion, we got up and drove east out of the park and saw some really great landscapes. We decided to make an impromptu side trip to Bryce Canyon National Park before heading to Salt Lake City to stay with my cousin, Matthew. This was time well spent. Bryce was incredible and the weather was perfect. We took a short hike on the Navajo Loop Trail which was not very long but was quite steep as we descended among the hoodoos. The trail took us right down into the canyon and gave us perspective as to how large the hoodoos are. They're big. I tried to take a few mental photos as we came out of the canyon because the view was really incredible and the pictures just don't do it justice.

So, following our hike, we headed out of the wilderness towards the booming metropolis of Salt Lake City. This drive featured an experimental stretch of highway where the Utah state government, in its infinite wisdom, is testing an 80 mph speed limit. That was cool.

When we arrived, Matthew had beers waiting for us (which we expected) and also had tickets to an NBA preseason game between the Utah Jazz and the Portland Trailblazers (we didn't expect this). So, after a bit of pregaming, we walked over to the arena to drink in a basketball arena. None of us had been to an NBA game before - preseason or otherwise and it turns out that even in a live setting we're not big fans. The biggest thrills were watching the Nu Skin dancers, the wheelchair basketball game in which the mascot participated and cheated, seeing Greg Oden, getting kicked out of seats that we hadn't paid for and were only marginally better than the ones that we had purchased and fighting for t-shirts that had been shot out of an air cannon.

The next day, our only full day in SLC, we had a full agenda. We saw the library. We walked around the Mormon temple/tabernacle/world domination headquarters and narrowly escaped recruitment. We took a drive into the mountains. We walked up Ensign Peak where the Mormons planned the city (this was billed as a "cakewalk" by Matthew which would have been an accurate description if it didn't gain almost 400 feet of elevation in 1/4 mile) and enjoyed a picnic lunch and a view of the Great Salt Lake in the distance. We watched You Got Served (road trip highlight). We went to a great mexican place for dinner called Red Iguana. We drank beer with a picture of a bear with crazy antlers on the label. We played balderdash. I don't know what more you could ask for.

Matthew's apartment was awesome. It was maybe 300 square feet. Even though there were only three of us, it felt like a huge party. Matthew was a great host and made us delicious english muffin breakfast sandwich and gave us his bed to sleep in. So, I've got no complaints.

We went to Zion National Park

It was really cool. At this point, I really don't know what to say. It was gorgeous. We went on a hike. I stalked a Quebecois family briefly (obvious highlight). We camped and cooked spaghetti. I didn't think that I had made a reservation but it turned out I had...I felt stupid. I want to go back. Here are some pictures.

We went to Hoover Dam on the way.

I suck at blogging.

I knew this would happen. Many times over the past couple weeks I said to myself, "I should update my blog before I forget everything." Did I do that? NO. Ultimately, I guess very few people really care about my lack of blogging or lack of documentation of the road trip. The road trip blog was essentially completely self serving so that I made sure I didn't forget everything. I suppose I've accomplished that given that I did a pretty good job of documenting the first half of the trip (whether it was on time or not). There is still a ton more to tell. I'm going to attempt some diarrhea of the keyboard here and see how far I get.

So, when last I left you, dear readers, the wife and I were leaving Palm Springs to head to Vegas. This was my first time in Las Vegas (or the state of Nevada for that matter [NEW STATE!!!!]) and for many years I had mixed feelings about making the trip. These feelings ranged from being convinced that I could never stand Vegas because of all the fake shit (doesn't the fact that they have all this fake stuff from other places say something about the quality of the actual place?) and all the people who must hate their jobs and all the people selling their souls to casinos for a chance at becoming a millionaire. And then another part of me gets excited about all that stuff.

So, it was with these feelings brewing inside me that we arrived at the Econolodge in Vegas (on Las Vegas Blvd but not technically the strip). There was a pool out front and there was not a body floating in it so things were looking up. Needless to say, this place was quite the contrast from the place we stayed at in Palm Desert. But, it had four walls and a roof and beds so we were not in a position to complain.

Our first night, we headed out to explore the strip a little bit. We parked at the Bellagio where we endured a thorough security check point ("How you folks doing tonight?" "Fine." "Have a good time.") We hit a lot of the highlights: Bellagio, Venetian (fake canal - yay!), Mirage (yay volcano show!) and our personal favorite - TI (formerly known as Treasure Island). TI has apparently shed its once family friendly image in favor of a more risque, sexy and sultry vibe complete with sexy pirate show in the man made lagoon (Sirens' Cove) out front. Kate and I had read in our dorky guide book that the Sirens of TI was laughably bad and not to be missed. So, we waited around playing penny slots for the slated start time. When we walked out to the cove, we were disappointed to learn that the evening's show had been canceled due to weather and some bullshit about not wanting to burn the casino down. So, we went home slightly disappointed and went to bed.

The next morning, we got up and went to get Kate a tattoo in celebration of passing the bar (many things have been done/purchased in celebration of this feat over the last six weeks). While waiting for Kate's tattoo artist (with whom Kate heavily flirted to show that she was a cool tattoo chick), we were lucky enough to witness a fantastic specimen of humanity in the lobby. There was a guy wearing sandals, jeans shorts and a Papa Roach concert t-shirt tucked into the aforementioned jean shorts. Within thirty seconds of arriving and while talking to the receptionist, he pulls a comb out of his back pocket and proceeds to groom himself; slicking his hair back to eliminate any remaining doubt that he is indeed a bad mother fucker. He then proceeds to have a few loud cell phone conversations in the lobby and drops a racial slur in one of them. He was a cool guy, though.

After the tattoo, we were in a Walgreens to buy Kate some unscented soap and lotion with which to clean her wound (the perfumes in scented soaps/lotions can cause irritation) when Kate was approached by a woman. The following conversation took place:

Random Lady: "Oh, wow. Are you just getting that removed or is it new?"

Kate: "I just got it." (Thinking: Well, you can still see it so it's certainly not removed but thanks for making me think that your first reaction was that it looks like something no one would want on their body.)

RL: "Are those scales?"

K: "Yeah, like the scales of justice."

RL: "Oh, do you work in a doctor's office?"

After that golden interaction, we regrouped in the hotel room for a picnic dinner and gathered our strength for the night ahead. We enjoyed a couple cocktails in the hotel room and then hopped on the "Deuce" (that's the unfortunate name they chose for their double decker public buses). Our plan was to try to hit all the ridiculous casinos/attractions. Our first stop: the roller coaster at Sahara. At $10/person, the price tag was a little steep but the fun we had combined with the savings we made on the $1 Miller High Lifes and $1 Kamikaze shots, we got our money's worth. Kate, making it her mission to stomp on all my dreams and rain on all my parades, refused to let me attempt the 6 lb burrito challenge (it's free if you finish it!) but I guess that just gives us a reason to come back...

We then headed over to Circus Circus/Slots-a-fun which was kind of a disappointment aside from the African Acrobats show - that shit is crazy after a few drinks.

Our next stop was another visit to TI in hopes of actually seeing the Sirens. We played penny slots and I drank a margarita out of a giant golden mug shaped like a skull while we waited. Tonight, the show did go on. And what a show it was. The show featured an epic battle between the Sirens and the crew of a pirate ship who had lost a shipmate to the sirens (much to his feigned chagrin). In order to rescue their comrade, the pirates fired their canons while the Sirens defended themselves with......song (guess who wins). This special effects extravaganza was packed with songs, shitty, half assed dancing and enough sexual innuendos to sink a pirate ship. In short, it was FANTASTIC.

We spent the rest of the night bouncing from casino to casino in search of cheap drinks. A little after midnight, we headed downtown to the really old casinos on Fremont St. in search of drunk food which was harder than anticipated to locate. Eventually, we got cheesesteaks in a shady looking restaurant in a past-its-prime casino and headed home.

All in all, I had a great time in Vegas and I think it was largely due to the limited amount of time we spent there. After a bit, I'm sure that all the stuff that I mentioned would start to wear on me but given a short window of time and the right attitude, you can have a great time.

And we're back.

The dream is over. Appropriately, as we were getting off the interstate to meet Kate's mom, the radio was playing "Back to life, back to reality." Ugh.

Ultimately, I was ready to be done. The trip was totally awesome but I'm ready to move on to the next stage of my life. We had a great time. We went to 25 states, 2 countries, 7 National Parks (one of which was an International Peace Park), and traveled 9679 miles. It was epic and I'm so glad we did it.

I will attempt to make an entry for each of the outstanding days starting tomorrow.

It beats getting a job.

KC Accidental

So, someone might have fallen behind on blogging. I swear I'm still going to catch up. I haven't had reliable internet in combination with an energy level sufficient to put all of our amazing adventures into the eloquent passages you readers have come to expect to find here. For this, I apologize.

We are currently in Kansas City about to head out to St. Louis to stay with one of Kate's friends. We had barbeque at Arthur Bryant's last night after an 8.5 hour drive from Denver. AB is a famous KC barbeque joint that has been visited by many famous people (as evidenced by the picture of Sarah Palin and John McCain diplomatically enjoy some BBQ on the wall). I got the ribs which were not fantastic but the sauce and french fries were pretty incredible. I really want to go back for lunch to give them another shot but I don't see that happening.

Since I last blogged, we have been in Las Vegas, Hoover Dam, Zion National Park, Bryce Canyon National Park, Salt Lake City, and Denver. Below, you will find a sampling of random pictures from these locations. Happy guessing as to where each one was taken.

Yes, that's a man in a bear suit playing wheelchair basketball.......and cheating.

Shenanigans

Kate and I have been spending this week in Palm Desert (Palm Springs), CA. This is our decompression week where we take a break from driving for a bit and just relax. Monday, our first full day here, was spent at Firestone. We went in to get the oil changed and to see if we had any brakes left. After waiting for about 2.5 hours, we were told that we needed to replace the rear rotors (or else the world would explode) and it would take another hour. Fine. We'll go to get some lunch and come back. We come back about 45 minutes later. After sitting around for another 45 minutes, we're told that they needed to get a part from the warehouse and were waiting for it to arrive. The part should arrive in about fifteen minutes and then they just need to slap it on the car. She made it sound like there was zero assembly time required for this. It was about another 1.5 hours after that that we finally walked out the door. We essentially put in a full day of work at Firestone. (I've been unemployed so long that my idea of work is now to sit all day while listening to music, reading a book and watching episodes of Charmed, Las Vegas, ER, and Law & Order).

The other day, we made the mistake of sitting through a time share presentation. We were lured by the offer of a $75 gift certificate to the restaurant of our choice. We planned to use the gift certificate to go to a fancy dinner to celebrate Kate passing the bar. The good news is that we did NOT buy a timeshare despite being VERY tempted to. If it were like 4 months from now and we had sat through the same presentation, we almost certainly would be timeshare owners.......in Palm Springs. If we didn't have to pay to move and possibly pay rent without income for a short period of time, shit would have turned out different. They did a whole routine where they asked what our vacation goals were (this is the part where they get us dreaming about the possibility of super great vacations and then fulfill them by selling us a timeshare). We mentioned that we were going to Argentina in February of 2011. This, of course, is mostly a joke. Kate wants to go there because a bunch of our friends just got back from South America and she knows that she will want to escape the cold of Chicago in February. Based on the incentives that they were offering, it looked like we could get enough Marriott Reward points to pay for two round trip tickets and five nights in Buenos Aires. These people know what they are doing.

So, last night, we went out for the celebration dinner at Sullivan's Steakhouse. We both ate too much and the gift certificate helped enormously. Props to Kate for allowing me to ride her coat tails to the top. I'm super proud of her for putting up with the bullshit of law school and passing the bar.

Today, we headed over to Joshua Tree National Park. We took a short hike around Hidden Valley and then drove around the park a bit before heading back to the homestead.

Desert Sessions

Holy fuck! There is half an inch of snow on the ground. It was 70 degrees yesterday but today there is SNOW on the ground.

These are my first thoughts of October 4, 2009. After getting myself vertical and attempting to snap out of the bad mood that continually being woken up during the night by someone claiming that I was snoring had put me in, I rushed to pack the car. In the snow.

During our scurry to get out of the snow and get the f out of dodge, I, still in my shitty mood, am approached by a young asian woman. Outraged that she hasn't been able to read my mood from 20 feet away and that she can't tell that we're leaving, I offer a grimace. She tells us that she and her friend have just arrived from Korea and they did not expect it to be so cold. Do we happen to know the weather forecast.

"I don't know that shit. Leave me alone."

But then out loud I was accidentally polite and told her that I wasn't sure of the weather forecast and wished her luck.

After successfully fulfilling the tall order of packing the car in the snow, who do we notice has once again invited themselves into our campsite? DA BEARS. We got pictures this time.

Realizing that we now have food in the car (and that's a no-no), we hightailed it out of their before the bears recognized the intoxicating scent of our nutty buddies. We had planned to take showers in the morning and then head to the Mariposa Grove to look at some big fucking trees (sequoias, they're commonly called). So, we headed to the valley to find showers. Kate and I, having fully established our hatred of cleanliness, decided that we would wait until we arrived in Palm Springs and could take a comfortable, free shower without the fear that our hair would freeze. So, we waited for Liz to shower who has reasonable personal grooming habits and had to sit next to people on a plane later in the day.

With a freshly showered Liz, we embarked on our trip to the Mariposa Grove with the intention of continuing on to Fresno where we would drop Liz at the airport. On our way out of the valley, we discover that the road to the grove is closed due to the snow unless you have snow chains for your tires. Needless to say, we have none. No big fucking trees for us.

So, we cancel the stop and just get the hell out of dodge hoping that we can get rid of Liz before her flight. The rest of the trip was uneventul. We dropped Liz off on time. Kate and I ate Jack in the Box. We got to Palm Desert around 6:30, made some spaghetti and went to sleep.

Driving through the California desert was pretty crazy. I don't know if I had ever realized how big it is and how much crazy government crap is probably going on out here. We passed by Edwards Airforce base and I saw a weapons testing range on the map that was probably bigger than Rhode Island.

Taking 'er easy

Upon awaking the next day aftere the death march, we vowed to take it easy. We talked about going for another, shorter hike but knew that we were probably just kidding ourselves. We decided to do a bit of driving tour of Yosemite with stops up at Glacier Point and at Tunnel View (which is essentially the point from which most postcard photographs are taken....it's pretty). The trail head for Sentinel Dome is on Glacier Point Road and we discussed making the two mile hike but ultimately decided against it when we got up there.

This morning was bearless. (Sad face)

We started our drive up Glacier Point Rd and I noticed Richard's brakes (Richard is our 2004 Honda Accord) making a grating/scraping noise. This is not something that you want to hear on a mountain road. However, it appeared that Richard was having no trouble stopping (he just insisted on complaining a bit about the torture we've put him through over the last couple weeks) and I was only putting the lives of my wife and Liz in danger so it didn't really seem like an emergency. After a bit of driving, we arrived at Washburn Point. Washburn Point is like a mile from Glacier Point and affords visitors almost an identical view. After stopping at Washburn Point, I'm convinced that when my parents took me to Yosemite as a child they stopped at Washburn Point and told us it was Glacier Point because they didn't want to put up with the crowds. I literally remembered nothing from the real Glacier Point and my memory of Glacier Point looked exactly like Washburn. Damn my parents. Anyway, after a brief stop at Washburn Point to take a couple pictures, we soldiered on to Glacier Point to eat lunch and enjoy the view.

Glacier Point (much like Washburn Point) is incredible. You can see for miles. It overlooks the entire Yosemite Valley and has a sheer drop of about 3000 feet to the valley floor. Some people had climbed over certain fences to sunbathe on rocks or just hang out. I, once again thinking about Real TV/America's Funniest Home Videos, decided to stay where the rangers wanted me. The view was certainly good enough from there. There is one outcropping of rock that people used to climb out on and do crazy things for pictures that is now closed off.

We fought off the relentless bee attacks while we ate our lunch of Nutty Buddies, Salt and Pepper Kettle Krinkle Cut Potato chips (best chips ever) and leftover pizza from the previous night. Afterwards, we sat and read books for a bit while we looked out over the (Christian) Lord's creation.

I spent a little time reading the night before in our guidebook about the history of Yosemite. Turns out, the first europeans to stumble upon the valley where men from the Mariposa Battalion who had been sent to kill Indians that they believed were trying to steal "their" gold. Fun fact #2: The name Yosemite is believed to come from the Ahwatchee word for bear (uzumate) which was misunderstood by a member of the Mariposa Battalion. The initial spelling was Yosemity.

From Glacier Point, we headed toward Yosemite Village with a stop at Tunnel View for a photo. We went to the Yosemite Lodge because we understood that we could reconnect with civilization there via the interweb. I had been wondering all day about the score of the Buckeyes football match and when I got online I discovered the game had yet to be played. I headed over to the Sportsbar that is part of the lodge compound and spoke to the manager who told me that he was pretty sure they had Big Ten Network and we would be able to watch the game. Hopes = up. I go tell Kate and Liz the good news. They are excited to sit and drink beer and watch football. I head back over to the sports bar to get us a table. The manager has no disappeared. I stood around sheepishly for a little while before I got up the nerve to ask one of the waiters. The interaction was pretty fantastic.

"Um, so, uh, I was, uh, in here about fifteen minutes ago and I spoke to a guy. And he was the manager. And he SAID that I could watch the football game and that you guys had the Big Ten Network and you would turn it on for me."

"OK, what game was it?"

"It's the Ohio State game. The Ohio State-Indiana game. Ohio State Buckeyes and The Indiana University Hoosiers. It's on the Big Ten Network and I would like to watch it. And we'll buy beer if you show it to us."

The guy has me follow him over to the bar to assist in the search for the channel. He goes through the channels a bit and stops on each college football game as though I didn't tell him that it was on the Big Ten Network.

"I think it's on the Big Ten Network," I say again trying not to sound like an obsessive dick.

After a few minutes, it becomes clear that they do NOT have the Big Ten Network and we will not be able to watch the game. Conveniently for him, the manager has still not shown his face and escapes with his life. I, on the other hand, leave the establishment feeling dejected and fooled.

It looked as though they had all the Fox Sports regional channels and I could have watst Blched the first Bluejackets game of the year. It seemed unlikely that Liz and Kate and Liz would indulge this request so I kept it to myself in an attempt to not appear totally absorbed by sports.

Personal victory of the day: As we arrived at the Yosemite lodge to use the internets, the place was crawling with Frenchies (this is the preferred nomenclature). As I was walking to the sports bar for the first time, there was a group of them assembled around a couple of squirrels and a few of them were taking pictures. I, totally oblivious to this, walked right through the group and scared the squirrels away. The Frenchies pretended to be upset and were jokingly chastising me for ruining everything. One of them asked what I did as I made it out of the group and I, without missing a beat, replied in French that I had done nothing. The whole group was flabbergasted and so impressed with my french skills that they welcomed me as one of their own and insisted that I spend the rest of the evening with them drinking Kir Royales and eating cheese. Some of this story is a fabrication.